February is flying by. We've had lots of snow, lots of laughs and lots of fun. We did find out that sledding down the side hill with a coating of ice...makes for Kaya lots of giggles and Mommy some more white hair LOL
Kaya is very interested in Valentines Day this year and wants us to have "mini turkey" for supper (Cornish hens) and give each other little gifts. We usually do something so that may be the game plan. Super easy to make and she thinks they are "very special" ;)
Chickens are growing by leaps and bounds...faster than I think even Steve thought they would!! Getting the chicken house built is def on the to do list when the weather breaks. I'm also happy that when the weather gets better we'll get our chicken run built at Dad's and the rooster will go down there. I'm hoping the hens will start laying this spring/early summer. I'm thinking that Kaya will be super excited to see the eggs...they will be a dark purple brown!
I've decided to buy a canner this year that can pressure can and water can. That way I can put up more of our garden bounty and do jellies, broths and soups. I've always put up stuff but mainly by freezing and with Steve building my pantry shelving this spring I'll have plenty of room for canned items. I can do tomatoes, jellies, tomato sauces etc with water canning but have to have pressure canning for beans, soups etc. Should be fun. We are going to round out too our bounty with stuff from farmers market since our raspberry bushes won't be producing yet and it's hard to beat the deer at Dad's for his blackberries LOL
We've also decided this year to do a Grow A Row, Grow A row of love. Will explain more in another blog.
I've got to set up Kaya's apt for Kindergarten enrollment. Ugh. I'm excited for her but..it's not easy. For any of us. But it's another milestone in life and I know she can excel at anything!
We are toying with buying either a goat or a pig (yes I'm one of those women...useful gifts over luxury lmbo) to raise at Dad's. The goat will keep weeds at bay and if it's a female give milk. If we go the pig route it's pork in the freezer. Not sure what we will do.
Insurance is covering Steve's meds and had our first shipment for the year. Sad that it's a hit of 2400 an order but thankful for the copay program and that we get to keep his meds. We once again this last tax year hit our 5000 deduct, 500 healthcare credit and 10,000 out of pocket before the end of the year. But..blessings lay in the small print and that is how one has to live!
Life is rolling along rather well. How could it not with this goofy girl ? :)
Did I mention that we've had snow..and ice lol Can say it's made for lots of outside snow ball fights, sledding and the need for hot chocolate. Can't complain about that lol
Had a long talk with a work buddy today and I've fought back tears all day. Read over her court papers with her and just listened to her. I cannot fathom why people hurt each other so badly, hurt their kid. Unfortunately I've also seen in with some family members in the case of divorces and I just don't get it.
Divorces are hard. On the adults, on extended family, on children. But I sat there listening to the raw hurt in her voice, her eyes fighting back tears..and that fright in her eyes..killed me. She's a hardworking woman who deeply loves her child. Her ex has pushed her left and right trying to control the situation and was using the grounds of needing more time with his child to take her to court, again. Then when he thought he had her against the wall the truth came out..he didn't want more time with his child he was willing to forgo any extra time with his child if she would simply erase all the money he owed to her, erase the medical bills he was responsible for and let them significantly drop his child support! In black and white he was putting a value on his child. The same child he has allowed to be abused, the same child he's ignored all his activites, the same child that he "forgets" to feed, to bathe when it's his weekend. My heart was breaking because I had seen that look many years ago in my very close family member when dealing with her ex husband.
It's easy to sit back and say what you would do, how you would feel...but you are not in their shoes. Silently I was thankful to have a loyal, good husband and the stability my child needed. I also thought how much strength this woman must have to keep her emotions hid and her feelings hid from her child. Here I have a man that ever single night kisses our daughter on the cheek good night. That cried the nights he had to be in the hospital because he had never been away from his daughter overnight...that called her every night on the phone and she played in his room every day, often curled up on his lap in his bed watching tv. How many wonderful things that I've taken for granted over the last five years...that so many woman deserve and need!!!
How can anyone , man or woman (and I use man in this blog only because it's her ex...we have some men in our family that are dealing with some awful women..so women can suck at parenting just like men!!) create a child.. their flesh and blood...and deny that child? How can you actually sit down and let a lawyer create a spread sheet that tells you as the Dad that you should get a 10 discount simply because you have that child 2 days every other weekend and you should get the bonus of less child support ..and not feel that you are prorating your parenting? That Mom doesn't get a discount for having the child the other 13 days! How can you look a judge in the face and say "That's my son. I'll give up the extra time I requested if I can get out of my share of his ER bill"?
How does the Mother of that child keep the strength to try to be positive with her child? My cousin did it for over 10 yrs till her children became teens and realized their Dad was...a donor only. Then once your child realizes it how to you mend that heart, how do you stop those tears?
It has been on my mind since our talk. I cannot imagine packing my child's bag and sending her away every other weekend. And I admire parents that do have to do that and keep their strength...and the parents that work it out so the child is well loved everywhere! I cannot imagine sitting home on Saturday night worrying that my child may be getting hurt or not fed...and the court saying if I keep her home I might be in contempt! I cannot imagine constantly being monitored by an ex thug of a husband that tries every day to catch you in a mistake or bends something as simple as your child climbing in bed with you into something immoral and disgusting.
As I stated my heart breaks for her. When you find out you are pregnant no matter the circumstances you feel excited. Then when you feel that baby move for the first time..your heart skips a beat. During labor you gather your strength because YOU are bringing forth a new life and already the Mamma bear is in action. The second you hear that small cry....your life is never the same. Your heart grows tremendously, your love knows no boundaries and your defense is always going to be for your child.
You can put a booboo on a cut. You can give your little one a cookie to cheer them up on a rough day. You can tell your child that there is no boogie man under their bed. But what do you do when the true monster in your child's life..is their father (or mother)?
Snow still hanging around but the cold has at least gave us a break. Saturday we bundled Kaya up and the two of us ..me and Kaya..had a ball sledding and playing in the snow. Steve had to set out that round due to the temp was just low enough to bother him. I'd rather he take a day out of fun then spend a whole day or more miserable. But Sunday we had another light dusting, with higher temps and Daddy joined us for a round of sledding, snow ball fights and making snowmen. Kaya did awesome rolling a HUGE snowball all over the side hill..it was so heavy she couldn't lift the thing LOL Steve showed her how to start at the top of the hill and build up her snow ball then let it roll down the hill and gather more snow. She thought he was a genius :)
Saturday Kaya got to experience snow whirlwinds and she was amazed. The wind was strong enough it would shoot behind the house and up over the hill, creating whirlwinds of snow. If it started at the top it would dance them all the way across the hill, change direction and then smack into the side of the house. Kaya's face when she got hit with the first one was priceless lol She stood there with her eyes on the snow and goes "This is...beautiful". :) I love how she can appreciate the beauty in the smallest of places, in the smallest ways.
Great weekend of outside fun. At one point I sat on the slide and Steve put him a lawnchair in the sun and we sat and talked while Kaya played. It was so nice to see the sun and actually FEEL it this weekend.
Thankful for every minute we have together :)
Well I turned another year older today. I know some gripe about getting older but if you think about it it's a privileged denied to many. So I'm thankful to turn another year older.
Kaya stated that my bday parties for myself are always lame lol Gotta love 5 yr old logic on parties. Explained to her that it's cold, the weather has not been awesome all week and at my age it's not a biggie to have a big get together. That we do cake and supper out when we are all off.
My work buddies did awesome...tons of happy Bdays, cookies and mini cupcakes. Very touched they all thought of me and the goodies were good!
Then home to lots of messages from friends, a card in the mail and a homemade peanut butter cookie cake from Steve and Kaya. Kaya did great decorating it with a number 4 !!! candle and snowflakes :) She made me a homemade telescope out of a papertowel tube ;) and Steve had previously given me a primitive star with a heart he cut out himself and Kaya helped paint. I'm very lucky to get such heartfelt gifts!!
Texts from my two best friends, my fave lil cousins and my brother rounded out the day. I made a pan of homemade enchiladas tonight (we are all going out to eat together next week), got in my pjs early this evening and have enjoyed a nice evening of hearing the Birthday song SEVERAL times from Kaya :)
All around wonderful bday :)
You'll notice there are not as many exclamation points and smiles in the paragraphs describing the last day of vacation like there was the one saying first day of vacation lol But such is life I suppose.
It has been a wonderful week. I got lots marked off my to do list, lots cleaned out but most importantly lots of family time, snow ball fights and laughter. Lots of hugs and snuggles. Lots of talks. Just time well spent.
Sunday of the last day of vacation (sometimes just any ole Sunday of the weekends I'm off lol) are sometimes a little bit harder. Sunday has always been one of my fave days of the week. As a child it meant lunch at Granny and Grandpas then supper at my other grandparents, lots of cousin time. As an adult it meant lunch at first grandparents and reading the papers, watching political shows with my Grandpa and then a visit to my other grandparents, and still adult cousin time lol Times are a bit different now but I still enjoy a nice Sunday. But having my own child, my own life I realize how precious those two days are that we call the "weekend". I've also learned that "weekend" isn't always Saturday or Sunday but whenever you are off work and together!
I can say we squeeze the most out of our days period and vacation is no different. A winter vacation isn't always as much outside time but it's still a lot of fun. Plus while everyone else was trudging out in the cold and snow for once I got to stay in where it was warm and snuggle etc or go out and have fun in the yard but not HAVE to get on the roads.
I'm very thankful for a job that allows me vacation time and for two partners in crime lol that make anytime fun :)
Whenever I can I try to research any new info on MS, any new holistic/diet/supplement news and I read the MS medical site. I like to keep up on meds coming into the arena, any new things that work for others. Steve's research on B12 is how we found that MS eats your B12 from your body and even though you test fine or even just a tad low taking a monthly injection increases your energy. Thankfully his dr was game to give it a try and he does that shot monthly, his MS shot every Sunday evening. I try to find foods that are also good for stomachs since I worry that weekly big dose of Ibuprofen along with other medicine otc he takes for headaches etc may wreck havoc on his stomach lining with time.
Most times I like doing research and feel enlightened, hopeful. I'm a firm believer knowledge is power and with a chronic disease it is not only power but may be a lifesaver. And if I don't understand the disease then I can't be Steve's side kick to fight it..and I can't be an education source for those that need info like we did..and still do!!
Sometimes I'll hit on a MS blog that has no reality to us. People will blog their mean hateful spouse is cheating on them due to them (the mean person) having MS. It's not MS..it's the person's flaw. Hateful, morose blogs don't fit in our life..they are unrealistic and have no benefit to us. Sometimes I hit a blog that is inspiring and makes me feel like "we got this". And then..sometimes...I hit blogs that turn me inside out. I stumbled onto one today. After a few posts I could feel the tears working in my eyes. After a few more I could feel the acid in my stomach turn. A few more and I vowed to stop reading..the pain of what could be too realistic. But another part of me compelled me to read it.
The blog writer was in his late 30s to early 40s. His life mate was a happy go lucky guy of the same age, good health, and both lived life happy, traveling, gardening, you name it. Then his mate got sick and was hospitalized and diagnosed with MS. The dr gave them the pep talk "MS does it's own thing. Each case is individual. This could happen, this can happen..we really don't know what will happen. Take your meds, watch stress, exercise." blah blah. Unfortunately the man's MS vamped into a severely fast moving progressive form. It talked about how it went from tiredness and a limp to bedridden to a motorized wheel chair. Within a year give or take the man was not doing well and was hospitalized numerous times for infections, sickness and till his feet no longer would stop hurting, his legs continued to ache...till finally the last infection landed him in an ICU room..and the blog ended with the man in a hospice building and finally dying.
Oh my. I know that the man's form of MS is rare...people can have MS for years and never know it medically. But the blog hit my feelings on the head when the survivor said "I became an addict..and addict to the garden, an addict to my routine." When Steve was diagnosed Kaya and I literally lived in the garden. Her playing in the yard with me or in the garden with me. It became my focus because I could control that garden, pull those weeds..I could NOT control MS, Steve's situation. When the meds made horrible mood swings and every noise set him off..I couldn't control his emotions. He was never mean to us just constantly edgy while his body adjusted to a foreign medicine. But I could control that dang garden.
The blog hit me hard too because it showed a raw side of MS that many do not know. People our age don't think about having that talk about funeral plans. They don't have the talk we had with what we would do if meds became out of our reach, or he reacted badly too many of them. Many our age haven't discussed if another child is possible and if we should take that leap...with the fear of eventually their mate not walking while still having a kid and possibly a baby. We have broached a lot of subjects that couples our age give no thought too. At first I felt alone. My friends husbands are healthy and they have never had any medical issues. But they have never once fell away from us or the disease and are there every step of the way. My friends at work are our rally squad :) and often lift me up more than they know. My dear friend had a husband battling a serious disease that ended in his death much too young and she became my strength. I saw how she held herself and never stopped loving life or those around her..and that strength..strengthened me.
I'm thankful that our blog has happy posts. We have our days where Steve aches. He has a limp now that gets worse when he's tired or the weather is nuts. He has to stretch in the mornings to keep his muscles flexible some days..other days he can be fine. But he constantly has MS. We just don't let it become our focus. A family member once said how health issues are..and I want so badly to tell them that surgery can fix what they have, rest can give them a new outlook..NOTHING will cure MS. At least not yet.
So life has settled down for now. We still have insane medical bills but without insurance we'd be sunk. That is only one price of the disease. And that we can have on paper, budget and pay..and control. That is probably the only area of MS you can control.
Kaya, being 5 sees life how it is. "We are a happy happy family. Daddy is my superhero he just has to have a nap sometimes. He has a disease but it's not contagious."
Man, that speaks volumes huh? He has a disease but it's not contagious. It's not contagious. I rolled that over in my mind. Nope, it's not contagious. You won't get MS by sharing cups, by holding hands...and we don't allow MS to be contagious in our lives! We don't let our lives be lead and ruled by MS.
So the blog made me cry, it made me say a silent prayer for the MS fighter in the stories and one for his loved one left behind. It made me realize that there are folks out there that feel like I do. And they feel sometimes the way I do with the same guilt. I often worry am I doing enough, am I supportive enough. I worry if I have a tired night or if I come off as mean to Steve. I once told his family that I can't be like them and always be sweet and say it's ok I HAVE to be the one that says "Ok, enough. Pull your big boy undies up and lets get onto the next project".I can't let him wallow or feel low for too long. And I'm thankful for the hugs I get from Steve.
I was thankful for the blog in the fact that it showed me how well we do have it. Steve is an active person and very lucky to have a good dr team and the urge to do what he needs to do. He knows he can't let the disease have an inch. He has to keep the upperhand. He's still a strong man physically and MS rarely slows us down unless super cold or super hot. We simply refocus and do things a different way :)
When he put his arms around me and apologized for this disease I told him. Don't ever apologize for things out of your control. I love you warts and all and I want you to love me warts and all. Besides..I got to keep him he builds the coolest things lol ;)
