Sometimes difficult things spring up along the way in life. You fret, you sweat and you wonder how you'll piece it together or keep your sanity.
Imagine if family and family life was like a fixer upper house. Yes, you get bogged down in details at time and frustrated at how things go but you don't just walk away you keep trying to make each room the beauty you see in your mind's eye. You never truly walk away because there is so much of "you and yours" instilled in it.
I think family is like that but lately I've had it less than easy in that field. I cannot point the finger at just one person or situation and to be honest I know too that at times I'm pointing at myself. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve too much...yes I'm sure I do. Do I feel over protective when I need to not be...yes I do. Do I find myself questioning exactly how someone says something..yes I do. And those problems are mine alone. Noone can fix them but me. But some issues I've been seeing/hearing and dealing with are not just mine.
I often wish to be the type of person that sees the beauty under the pain. That sees the inner core and lets go of the outer core. That I could feel even more love and compassion for those that face the world with anger, hurt and unknown pain. That I could feel deeper for those that feel no love for themselves. To not feel the bitter edge of aggrevation when dealing with the ones that feel the need to constantly one up someone else, or over act to compensate for what they are lacking inside (whether true or just feeling lacking).
I really honestly try very hard to strive to be that kind of person. I feel I succeed some days...fail horribly others. But....where does the person draw the line of fixing up a relationship, of being the one to always have compassion when the other person is standing on your foot?
I've noticed more and more exactly where me and my little family are situated in the big picture. We will always be frame right and not in the ending credits if you get my gist. Facebook is a tool for positivity but I've found that certain people that SHOULD be a positive influence have to be moved to "out of time feed" or whatever it's called. I just can't take reading all day their gripes, their attitudes. And then add in when everything is kept a huge secret and they slip up and tell..holy moly their world crumbles. They don't understand it doesn't bother me/us..we are happy they are happy and that's it.
We are never going to be in the big scheme of things. We have dealt with excuses, with "how are we going to make this work" for years. It's not. You cannot talk out of both sides of your mouth and every single relationship takes work, elbow grease and the desire for all involved to be just that..involved.
I could list my hurt feelings, instances that prove my point, even the gossip. But I won't because I was raised to be above that. To realize folks are not all the same and you either deal with them as they are or you walk away. I have come to the conclusion that we are the only ones putting in the elbow grease. Do we cancel dinners and get togethers? No because we genuinely enjoy it, they always go well and Kaya loves family time. So I have issued a mind set to myself|
1. I cannot fix people and situations that have no desire to be fixed. It's not fair to me to try and be hurt..and it's not fair to those that don't want to change to be hurt.
2. I am me. Funny, crazy, family oriented, maker of big meals, sometimes tenderhearted me. I am not changing. I won't change. I have my faults and I could easily list them. But I won't become how others are to "fit in", to make things "smooth" or to get rid of any feelings I have.
3. I will continue to be myself. I'll help Steve host gatherings, I will prepare meals for those in need/sick etc, I will send cards/texts/messages to check on people. I won't let someone else's view on things change me.
4. I will enjoy my life and my little families life. If others want to be bitter, mad, sad or list their woes..they can. I can hear them, I can read them and I can love them...I do not have to follow suit.
5. Kaya cannot miss what she has never had or felt. If I bring it up constantly how they are not involved then she will think it's odd and hurt. I won't do that. Once she's older and sees how things are THEY can answer her. It won't be me causing her pain.
6. I am letting go. Letting go doesn't mean you don't care and love someone..just means you are no longer forcing them to.
7.I'm no longer reading and staying up on gossip and the such. When I've been told "things" going on I simply nip it in the bud and say not my business. It's not caring it's just not being an ear for others that don't have time for us and it's keeping myself out of unneeded drama.
8. Drama stops. PERIOD!
9.I'm trying hard to not feel hurt over things and doubly hard on not saying things. Not that I'm being walked all over. I'm simply not letting things get under my skin. And when it's said or posted to us I simply let it go. Will me saying "this is what I think" make them change their mind or do different? No so why waste the time arguing about it.
10. I realized one day that I was becoming as bad as those I complained about..because it was always on the tip of my tongue to say how they act, how nutty they are or something like that. It wasn't speaking much of my character to say that. Plus we are the role models for Kaya, how she reacts and handles things etc. I could care less how others do and act but I won't have my kid thinking it's ok to be mad or bitter...and see it come from me.
11. I'm truly happy. Good husband, wonderful kid, home, happy life...why dwell on what others never want to fix but want to complain about? :)
