I am rarely an angry person. I feel things happen in life as they happen and you might as well deal and move on. I don't let a lot of things frustrate me and I've learned that you have to let go and stop worrying. Not an easy factor for a worrier and a fixer like me but I've made huge leaps in that area.
This week..I've had a hard time with my anger. Not at my family or Kaya or even one certain person. My anger has been at MS. This last week has been one of the hardest we've had in nearly a year. It's warmed up, we had been insanely busy getting gardens/yards ready/done and Kaya's bday party.Every day we have an outside thing to do. We've had lots of things to do on weekends. And MS rose it's head this week with a roar.
Normally we deal, figure it out and move on. Which we did. But this time for the first time in a LONG time I felt anger. Anger at the hellacious disease that robs Steve of feeling good. That made him so sore the day after Kaya's bday party that he could barely move. That made him feel as if he was trying to reach the surface of the water but bricks were holding him down. That made him emotional and frustrated. That made us feel tension in the house and between us because of that "egg shell affect". You know the feeling that some simple thing will set off nerves and result in an unnecessary fight. Thankfully we don't bicker alot and we've learned to step away and let tension and stress ebb away and then tackle the situation.
I've felt my anger too towards certain people and I hate that. I can't let people climb up my back and get to me with so much on our plates. But sometimes I just wish that people would pick up the phone and call and check on Steve. Not call and tell him their woes. Not drop an email with the lines "I'll help anyway you need anytime buuuutt....." Or even better is when I try to be the bigger person and explain to them what is going on ..say on a Sat. and not one single one even felt the need to check on him until Friday..and one hasn't asked at all!!
So I decided I could fester the anger or just let it go. MS is here to stay and we can't always control every single day or minute. People are going to do as they want. Unless you have a chronic illness or the spouse/support team member of a person that has it..you have no clue. I can't expect others to understand fully when some days I don't fully understand it all LOL
I have found myself saying that I wish certain people could see Steve's frustration and anger at himself and the disease then maybe, just maybe they'd understand that it's a serious illness. But then I realized that it wouldn't humble them to the case at hand..only frustrate Steve more if people could see him struggling.
It's our battle but we are not alone. Lots of people care and ask. We take every day as it is and it's made us realize even more that the small things make our life :) That maybe today Daddy doesn't feel like jumping in the trampoline with Kaya and Mommy will do it..but Daddy will help her bake some cookies and we'll pull out the paints and have fun.
So I'm thankful for the great days, love the good days, and we love each other just a tad bit stronger on the rough days :)
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