It's taken me a week to write this post. Maybe it's because I hate when I feel out of control or maybe it's fear of things..or maybe honestly it's a combination of worry, fear, and a bit of anger tossed in.
Sunday night Steve took his MS shot. He had to miss 3 wks of shots due to being under the weather..having cold symptoms or flu symptoms makes his shot unbearable. He's never had a problem in over a year of skipping one when sick or even any reactions in a year.
Sunday night kept us on our feet and reminded us just what we could have to deal with. First his temperature shot up. Then shot up further. Then further till it was in the 104ish range. He was literally hot to stand next to! He was under 3 blankets when I felt the bed shaking like crazy..and he was shaking so violently it made me jump out of bed. He could talk etc so it wasn't a seizure. He was shaking from feeling so cold and with the cold and shaking..his muscles were tensing up causing more reaction.
He put on a hoodie and under another layer of blankets. 4 doses of 800 mg ibuprofen later and his fever finally broke. Exhausted, achy and with tense muscles he hobbled around till finally getting comfortable enough on the couch to catch some sleep. I took a vacation day to watch Kaya and to keep an eye on him.
Finally about 4 or 5 that Monday evening he began to feel better. Severely tired and his knee killing him he pretty much rested on Tuesday but I was thankful to have my Mom off work to help out so I could return to work.
I think the fear hangs in there because when he gets severely tired and achy..a relapse could be around the corner. We've made it over a year with NO relapse and we are always thinking in the back of our minds when will the bomb go off?? I can't stand not being in control of myself and situations and when Steve was so miserable I couldn't "fix it"...it was hard. I couldn't break down and cry or act as if I was scared because it doesn't solve anything and isn't useful in a time like that. But it's not easy. I was going on barely 2 hrs sleep and when I'm tired the tears come easy..so it was a double whammy lol
I don't think sometimes people truly understand MS. If you do not have it or you are not the support/spouse/caregiver to someone that has it..you don't always fully grasp it. Watching Steve battle those side effects that he had beat so many months ago sickened my heart. And it makes you think what if his MS relapses or he moves to the next stage? I love him no matter what and I'm always going to be right beside him but I know it's not easy on him. And it plants that seed of what will happen this week. He's moving his shot to Sat night so if he has bad symptoms I won't be off work etc. and my Mom is available to help out on Monday and Tuesday. It killed him I had to use a vacation day and go all day on little sleep..but I told him it's not the end of the world. And it wasn't. It's a small sacrifice for someone I love and needed me.
I think the fear and worry feeling mixed with anger on Monday when I realized just how people honestly react to MS and how they will not be there for us when we need them. I've always had issues with how others react to MS and how they do...but I always held in my heart that those that SHOULD be there for us even if just in asking about Steve etc would be there when we needed them. That theory is pretty much shattered. Maybe they just don't know how to react, don't know how to handle things. To be honest I can't think for others and I can't figure out others so I just have to let them bear the situation how they feel. And I have to be thankful for my Mom and the ones that offered to watch Kaya, that checked on us and that covered for me at work. Honestly the good things might as well stick with me and the bad things wash away. Otherwise anger takes over and I have to remind myself "Mamma raised a lady, Mamma raised a lady" LMBO ;)
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